Steph’s Story
Steph and her husband Patrick have been fostering for more than 20 years, and have been with Clifford House for over 4 years. Throughout that time, they’ve been able to help countless teenagers navigate such a crucial period of their lives.
Fostering has become a deeply personal journey for Steph, who chose to foster teenagers because of her own tough years as a young adult. Steph had a difficult relationship with her mother which led to a period of homelessness before she got back on her feet.
Steph said: “I feel like teenagers get a bad rep when they’re in foster care. We foster children who are 14 and older, and I think as long as you can become their friend and get that communication going by earning their trust, then they’re willing to work with you.”
The call to fostering
Because of her own personal experiences as a teenager, Steph had always had a curiosity about opening her home up to other vulnerable children in need when her own children were young. However, her first husband was reluctant to explore fostering.
When Steph met Patrick, and she expressed an interest in fostering, he encouraged her to look into it and how she could be the trusted adult that these teenagers needed.
“It’s more personal for me. It’s not just a job for me, it’s more of a reflection on what my life was like at their age. I want to be the safety net for them that I never had.”
“I can’t speak for my husband as he had a very different upbringing to me, but I can put myself in these teenager’s shoes. Whatever they do, I can think back on how I did those same things.”
The power of foster care
Teenagers in foster care are deserving of caring foster parents who are able to open their home and hearts to them in their time of need. Steph knows that to be able to make a difference in a young person’s life, you need to earn their trust.
She said: “Foster care can make a difference when the young person can start to relate to you. It’s all about them being able to trust you and me being able to trust them in return. We’ve got to have a good rapport.”
“If you can befriend their Mum, and she will always be their Mum, you can have a better chance of helping them. At least try to get on with the young person’s parents.”
“I think teenagers need more support when they leave foster care.”
Throughout all the years that Steph and Patrick have been fostering, she worries more about the older teenagers when the time comes for them to leave foster care.
“The young people who go semi-independent, I worry about them more. Because half the time, the value of money isn’t like it should be. They can probably only cook four or five meals.”
“I’ve had one that went semi-independent and I knew he’d be fine, because he could take care of everything. He could cook, he knew his money, and he knew how to save. But a lot of them don’t.”
“They think because they get £68 a week or something like that, that it’s a lot of money. But what they don’t realise is that they’ve got to pay a little towards their rent. They might want clothes, a haircut, or they’ve got to put money on the electricity. They’ve got to get food, or pay for a bus fare.”
Despite the challenges they face once the teenagers have left Steph and Patrick’s care, she says the door is always open for them.
“The 18-year-olds tend to say can I come back and see you? And I’ve had them come back with the washing.”
Tips for aspiring foster carers
Writing accurate but thoughtful records
“The pen is mightier than the sword. One thing I say to anyone coming into foster care is to be careful what you write about the child in your care. Because if everything’s negative, they don’t stand much of a chance of getting another carer.”
“People tend to write all the bad things, but for every negative, there’s a positive.” Steph always tries to find something positive to write about the young people in her care.
Not only could it affect that young person’s chances of finding other foster parents in the future, but they’ll also be able to see what you wrote about them at a later date if they want to access their records.
Don’t judge others
Steph also doesn’t judge the young people coming into her care, or their parents. “I don’t judge people because I don’t like people judging me.”
“I have a tendency to look at the report, or the social worker might ring and say there were historical problems. But that’s behind them, now.” Steph said it was important to be the safety net for these young people that she didn’t have when she was a teenager.
She recounted talking with another foster parent, who criticised the family of a young person in their care, and implied that this child was difficult to manage because of their upbringing. “My response was that doesn’t really matter. She’s still their Mum at the end of the day, those are still their siblings. I thought, I hope you don’t say that to the child.”
Having realistic expectations
It’s important to have realistic expectations when it comes to caring for young people. Steph said: “Just be aware that they’re not going to be perfect. They will come with a lot of trauma.”
Having a sense of humour throughout situations has helped Steph navigate her lengthy career in fostering. “Some parents will say you can’t do that, it’s my child, you’ve got to speak to me first. You’ve got to ring me to get my permission. So I think you’ve got to have a sense of humour to cope with situations like that.”
Self-care
Another top tip that Steph had for potential foster parents is to have somewhere quiet where you can take some time for yourself to reset.
“I have a summer house, so I can go down there when I’m really wound up and have a nice cup of coffee and lose myself in the plants in the garden and have a think. It’s my sanctuary.”
“I’ve got a horse as well, so I can go down to see my horse in the mornings and have three hours or so down there with my dog. And then by the time I get back, whatever’s happened first thing in the morning before they’ve gone to school, I’ve forgotten about it.”
Take training seriously
“You can’t not go to training,” Steph said. “I’ve been to training for years, and you think ‘I did this last year,’ but then there’s always something else that will come up. And you think ‘Do you know what, I didn’t think about that last year, I could have done with that the other week.’ There’s always something that will pop up that will be useful.”
What works for one child might not necessarily be the right approach for another, so it’s important to build up a toolkit of things you can use to help you throughout your fostering journey.
Fostering as a vocation
Steph started her fostering journey more than 20 years ago with her husband Patrick and she hasn’t looked back since. She adores her career and the young people she’s met throughout her time in fostering.
“I keep saying I’m going to retire, but then I don’t. I was adamant in 2019 that I was going to retire, but I didn’t.”
Fostering is a vocation. This career can be difficult at times, when challenging situations arise, but the reward when you see the young people that you’ve helped thriving is worth it.
“I enjoy a challenge, because I’m the type of person who doesn’t crack under pressure.”
“Don’t let age hold you back.”
When asked if there was anything else important that Steph wanted to share, she said “Just don’t let age hold you back. I’m 73, and I’m sure there are people out there who are older than me and they’re fostering.”
“Fostering keeps me on my feet. I think having teenagers to foster has really mellowed me, because I don’t expect anything from them. If they swear at me, my attitude is that you’re not teaching me any word I don’t know.”
“And I’ll leave it at that, because there’s no point in shouting and getting into a shouting match, they’ve probably had that all their lives anyway.” Staying calm in situations is the best way to help teenagers regulate their own emotions.
It’s about showing these young people that there’s another way to deal with situations when big emotions come out. “I won’t bother when they’re screaming at me. I’ll say calmly when you’re ready to sit and talk like an adult, I’ll listen to you.”
Curious about a career in fostering?
Do you have what it takes to make an amazing foster parent? If you’re curious about fostering teenagers like Steph and want to know more about the whole fostering process, we can help answer any questions you may have.
Simply fill out an enquiry form on our website or give us a call on 0800 369 8515 to speak to one of our friendly team members. They can help answer any questions you may have or talk to you more about the fostering application process.
Taking that first step on your fostering journey could be the start of a successful career like Steph’s.